Blogging for a better life

I couldn’t help but to let out a shriek, a shriek filled with the sound of pure elatedness! While chemo brain fogs everything; strawberry cake given out of love, makes one forget that one even had chemo brain!

During my chemotherapy treatments, I don’t really remember hearing the term “chemo brain” too often. These days it’s difficult to remember yesterday, let alone a year ago.­­ While I’ve been taken for drives, my surroundings look significantly different from before I was sick. While I watch films and television series, the world seems like it’s changed so quickly within a year. It’s almost like I just woke up one morning, and an entire year and some was lost. I think there’s a saying, that tells us that we must lose before we can gain. I don’t think we can live this life, without skipping that aspect of life. After all, isn’t that what makes life that much sweeter and more appreciative! This is just a thought, not that I claim to know the answers.

I write about how an entire year, and some has been lost, even though a lot has happened. But more recently, I feel like a day just flies away even faster. I’ve been told for years to slow down; however, I don’t think that’s ever been in my DNA. Even after leaving the cities to somewhere slower paced, you’d think I would have been acclimated by now. Even cancer hasn’t gotten me to the point of where I’m not told to still slow down. My coordination seems to be the worst right now. So, for me to really not slow down, I’m clumsier than ever before! Don’t get me wrong, cancer has most definitely slowed me down. And this is most definitely outside of my comfort zone. It’s painfully outside of my comfort zone!

I feel like it takes me forever to do the simplest of tasks; and before I know it, the day is over. And its time to get ready to begin a new day. I won’t sulk in my disappointment in wonder, if I’ll ever function to the capacity I was functioning before I had gotten sick. However, if I’m to be honest with myself in this journey, I’m not quite sure that I want to be able to function how I was functioning before. During the fog, I can tell my mindset is shifting. I don’t think you go through cancer or any other catastrophic, traumatizing life experience to come out functioning and thinking the same.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’ve named Classical Hodgkin Lymphoma as one of my life-long best friends. With that title, comes a lot of learning and growing. Relationships offer a give and take. Nothing is ever 50/50; and if we’re open to the lessons, we are constantly learning and growing from the relationships in our lives. My relationship with Classical Hodgkin Lymphoma is an extremely intimate relationship. I don’t think a relationship gets anymore intimate than cancer. After all, cancer bleeds into all facets of one’s life. It either strengthens or breaks what it encounters. Cancer can break you down, without completely breaking you.

I think the silver lining in the relationship with cancer; is that during the journey, you are left with a critical choice to make. You can either allow cancer to break you all the way down, to the point where cancer completely breaks you. Or you can allow cancer to break you all the way down to the breaking point, where it’s just enough to allow you to be finely chiseled. Chiseling doesn’t go without pain. The kind of chiseling that I’m talking about, is the kind that you can’t see. It’s the chiseling away of your character, your predispositions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The chiseling of past traumas, bad habits, toxic relationships, etc.… Chiseling just keeps cutting away at you, until you don’t even realize what you have left. You may even think that you don’t have anything left for the chiseling.

I think that’s where I’m currently at with my journey and cancer. When we think of cancer, we think of the agony of chemotherapy. However, I do remember, that I didn’t think about the agony of chemotherapy. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I just went full speed ahead into planning mode. I remember my thought process, was to gather as much information as possible in planning and preparing for the unknown. I don’t remember being fearful, and I don’t even remember breaking down. I only remember the beautiful date that I was taken on with drinks, appetizers, conversation, and staring into the eyes of this amazing God-given man.

Who would have known that God had everything under control, and that this God-given man would be such an enormous strength and support system to me, as never before in our relationship or any other relationship I’ve ever had in my life! My lesson that I’m writing about this month, is the humble gratitude for what God gives us. We oftentimes don’t see or understand what a significant part God-given individuals will play in our lives, and we should consider ourselves blessed if God allows us to see and understand the amazingness in His gifts to us.

In still trying to navigate my way into a “new normal” in life after cancer, has been a tremendous whirlwind of emotions! Ups and downs moment-by-moment, day-by-day, week-by-week, and month-by-month. All the emotions I’m dealing with post-treatments, are emotions that weren’t faced during treatment. Amid the moments, days, weeks, and months; there’s an array of anger, anxiety, depression, doubt, fear, frustration, and emotions that I either can’t find the words now or just don’t know. While in the present moment; I’m realizing that I may be posting future blogs diving deeper into these emotions, since these emotions aren’t just encompassed by those touched by cancer. However, for now, I’m going to stay in the context of gratitude. And while gratitude encompasses an enormous amount of thanks to my entire care team, also comes the reality of the highs and lows.

I accidentally spoke it aloud one day, and I don’t think that I’ve ever mentioned it again. I feel like post-chemo is worse than chemo itself. Sure, chemo leaves you feeling and looking so weak and fragile with an array of other effects. However, post-chemo just leaves you questioning absolutely everything in your life. You question what’s real and what’s not. You question making and not making decisions, because your brain just feels like it’s broken. You feel like you can’t do things the same prior to chemo. You can’t hold conversations, let alone always place or find your words correctly. Your thoughts are all over the place mid-stream, and then forget about what the heck you were thinking or talking about! One moment you feel like you might be fine, and then the next moment you may say things that you don’t even think of before it came out. Sometimes it may be good sayings, and sometimes not so good. You try to remain positive, and then sometimes you literally just break down and cry for all of your fears, frustrations, and limitations. You break down out of the experience that no one can ever imagine. Post-chemo leaves your life feeling so messy and out of control. It leaves you feeling like life is just passing you by. You kind of feel like a hitch hiker on the side of the road, where lots of folks just keep on passing you by without the thought of even stopping. Your months feel like one day. Your attention span is that of an introductory child’s book. Even then, you’re left guessing what you just read about. Everything you do takes so much thought and effort. A trip back to any medical appointment is exhausting. It can easily leave you mentally and physically exhausted for the rest of the day and well into the following days. You literally just want to curl up in a ball and not be bothered with even the slightest creek of a door. Isolation and solitude are blissful, even shy of one year completing chemo!

Patience is such a powerful expression. (Please forgive me. Again, one of my struggles is finding words, organizing words, etc.… I can’t wait for the day that this won’t be such a challenge for me. I think I mentioned in my initial post, that I intend to write my way through this. I’ve asked my readers for patience and understanding through this journey and am thankful that you’ve chosen to continue this journey with me). Cancer has allowed me the opportunity to make the promise to God and to myself; that while I was about to embark on the journey of my life, I would put my trust in my partner for what I needed. Whatever he told me yes or no to, that would be the answer. In hindsight, I can honestly say that I followed through with that promise, (during chemotherapy). As being an independent and self-sufficient woman prior to being sick, I was surprised how easy it was for cancer to allow me to live up to that promise.

However, post-chemotherapy, I have my moments. But if I was to rate myself, I’d rate myself at 90% or higher into still living up to that promise. Cancer has allowed me the opportunity to allow my partner the opportunity to not only show up and show out, but to continually amaze me each and every day. While I can’t speak for my partner; I can say that for me, cancer has allowed me the opportunity to love my partner even more. Cancer has shown me and continues to show me; while fighting against my innate grain of who I am, that when we allow our partners the opportunities and space to love us more, how amazed we will be! I think if we allow ourselves more opportunities to “Let Go, and Let God,” we will to be able to clearly see God showing up and showing out through our God-given partners. We are the ones that stand in the way of receiving the Gifts of Gratitude. It’s all about the strawberry cake. It’s sweet, it’s delicious, and it’s simple, (and then again not always so simple) when we’re struggling within ourselves.

In the promise of transparency and honesty on my blogging through my cancer journey; post-chemo has got to be one of the most, if not the greatest challenge of my life! It’s filled with a lot of sadness, grief, anger, frustration, loneliness, fear, mistakes, clumsiness in forging through, and so much more disheartening feelings.

However, I think that part of being a cancer warrior, is accepting that these feelings are part of the process…no matter where we are in the journey of cancer. Part of being a cancer warrior is constantly seeking out gratitude for every little win. Because a little win, is actually a big win! I hope my readers find more encouragement in my words vs sadness, and that anyone touched with the journey of cancer finds compassion within themselves. Lastly; I will say, strawberry cake really does make it a little bit easier!

(C) 2024 AeKyung Yoo