Blogging for a better life

2-years and 8-1/2 months post-chemo. I am still learning about giving myself grace and still learning to pace myself. Or maybe that it is I am growing more frustrated and irritable with not being able to choose vs my body limiting that choice and the only thing I can choose is being okay with what my body allows (for the moments).

I think we do not hear it enough to give ourselves grace, but we extend to others more grace and learn to forgive others more. Why do we struggle so much with giving ourselves grace? Why do I struggle with being still vs painting myself lazy? I remember at the beginning of my post-chemo journey and coming to the realization that I would not be working for awhile, one of my greatest fears was that I would grow to become lazy. I think today, that still may be true vs me just being still and allowing my body to still heal.

These days, I am becoming increasingly restless, and I must constantly remind myself that resting is healthy. It is like I was able to tell myself that for awhile and believe it. But now, I am just like “C’mon already!” I know that I cannot rush the process, and I know that amid the frustration and anger there are still more lessons for me to get. I know that I cannot rush the process, but that I must just trust the process. It is hard looking and planning for the future while still feeling stuck and a hinderance to anyone around you. Maybe that is why I feel like I need to be doing more which is going the opposite direction of riding the wave, which is the cause of my restlessness vs giving myself grace in just being still. Either way, I am still trying and still looking forward to the future while trying to find a way to balance my fears and frustrations in the midst. Cancer survivorship isn’t easy, but was it ever meant to be? Isn’t that where new growth emerges?! This is our life after chemotherapy.

Will someone please give me some strawberry cake already!