Blogging for a better life

Talk about life, living, and all of the in between. I think I may have shared that ever since chemotherapy, reading and writing has proved to be extremely challenging. With reading; not only is it about the lack of focus and concentration (which I guess is identified as chemo brain), but the understanding and recalling of what I just read! (Again, chemo brain).  

I’ve come to embrace, that it may take me a month or longer to post. Before cancer, I would have been able to write a complete posting, re-read, edit and post within a week. Now, I use dictation throughout the weeks in order to get my thoughts down. Forgive me for the editing; as this journey right now, is more about processing and in real time for my readers to share in this journey flaws and all.

With writing; besides the chemo brain, it’s most definitely about the pain! To my understanding, everyone is different with the intensity and duration of the pain. If it wasn’t for Microsoft Word’s speaking device, I wouldn’t be able to post my thoughts. Again, please forgive for the choice of word, because of the loss for words that I may have used otherwise and for the potential repeats in thoughts. Hopefully; as I continue to recover, my readers will be able to notice my writing and editing skills prior to cancer.

This morning (or should I say afternoon; thanks to the meds that keep me sleeping in), I pulled out my Bible and blindly directed myself to PSALM 21. Psalm 21 isn’t a long Psalm; however, it was difficult to get through the entirety. What I will ponder on; is why the word “king” stood out to me, as well as the latter of verse 3 and into all of verse 4.

3 For thou preventest him with the blessings of goodness: thou settest a crown of pure gold on his head.

4 He asked life of thee, and thou gavest it him, even length of days for ever and ever.

PSALM 21:3-4, KJV

I guess what really stands out, is “length of days for ever and ever.” My question is; when God gives life unto us, how are we and how do we spend those “length of days for ever and ever?” Why ask for length of days, if we aren’t intentionally living? How do we find the answers to the why? How do we start intentionally living?

In my heightened anxiety (sometimes overwhelmingly); today, my mind takes me back to Simon Sinek’s “Start with Why” book. I’ve always been a Simon Sinek fan; and I loved that book so much, I think I gave it away to someone else so they could be blessed by his words. While working in restaurant management for over two decades of my life, I’ve enjoyed sharing the principles and what I learned in his books whether it was through action or sharing with my team about this amazing author!

I think one of the things that the effects of my cancer journey is teaching me, is that it’s okay to rediscover your why, your purpose, and if you haven’t already to begin living more intentionally. My cancer journey is teaching me to go back to the very basics physically, spiritually, mentally, etc… It doesn’t matter if you were just diagnosed with cancer. It doesn’t matter if you just completed your chemotherapy treatments. It doesn’t matter that you’re in whatever duration you’re in with your recovery. It doesn’t matter if your life was never touched by cancer. It doesn’t matter your age. It doesn’t matter your ethnicity, your financial status, and it doesn’t matter where you are in this world. What matters is today. It doesn’t matter how clumsy you appear to be about this metamorphosis stage in your life.

What matters is that you were allowed to wake up this day and go through the stages of metamorphosis! I’m not going to lie, this month and a half has not been mentally pretty for me at all! Looking from the outside in, no one would be able to tell. I’ve never been the complaining type, and I’ve never been the doctor visits type. However; I’ve most definitely been the busy body type! So, you can imagine how physically, mentally, spiritually, etc… exhausting its been for every doctors, specialists, and therapies visit! Let alone; how downright frustrating, borderline screaming about why I’m not further in my recovery!

Don’t get me wrong;  I have to believe that the kind words that everyone speaks to me, including my care team’s words that I will get stronger and I believe. However; this is my clumsy. This is my ugly. This is my lesson. I can no longer be a busy body. My reality is letting yesterday go and to accept the stages of metamorphosis for what it is. I’m crying as I share this, because this is not an easy lesson to learn. How the simple action of walking up and down a flight of stairs can be taken for granted, without the realization of every working component in your body it takes to do this action.

I know that while I share this vulnerability with my readers. I am not alone. You are not alone; because there is even someone who’s never been touched by cancer, that can understand the difficulties in the simplest of tasks.

Again; I hope my readers find encouragement, hope, and inspiration in my story. I hope that the words that I rawly share are words where no pity is found; but rather sparks a flame in your heart. And to remember, strawberry cake really does make it a little bit easier!

(C) 2024 AeKyung Yoo